When this bird goes in the oven, that bird comes out.
Note to self: don’t expect to get cast in things if you can’t operate a cell phone calendar correctly and show up. #auditionfail
In 1977 I was two years old, too young too see a hyped new sci-fi movie to hit the big screens. In 1982, I managed to see and tape a movie called Star Wars on our “Betamax” (a ancient recording device that many of you have never seen.) My parents then took me to see Empire Strikes Back in the movie theaters. I was freaked out that Han was not invincible and the bad guys won, but greatly anticipated the great muppet caper that followed and captured my imagination, with Return of the Jedi.
My life then became an endless journey towards collecting all the Star Wars toys, and trying to emulate one heroic young man named “Luke Skywalker.” My Death Star had every character from the first movie. (At least the ones who didn’t get eaten by my sand box.) My inability to make my toys float out of the sandbox via the force frustrated me to no end. My Yoda imitation always entertained my classmates. I loved those movies like they were my best friends.
In college, along with all my friends who also grew up on them, we drove three hours to get to a THX movie theatre to see the special editions on opening night. They were worth every penny. Despite the occasional cartoonish addition, Greedo shooting first, the images were clearer, the visuals blew away the betamax version I grew up with as a child. In film class we studied the character development, the religious undertones, Irvin Kershner, Laurence Kasdan’s air tight and well executed screenplay, George Lucas’s producing and story concept skills, and his smart decision to not write and direct the last two movies. Times were good.
Then The Phantom Menace Trailer came out, I studied every frame, excited and amped about getting another hit off the crack pipe. John William’s score invaded my neural pathways erasing all critical thinking skills.
Every generation…. There’s Obi Wan…. Ooh Dark Pointy Horned Guy… It looks a little fake but whatever it will be awesome… What’s that floppy eared charac- ooh R2-D2, nostalgia, awesomeness, explosions, “Wipe them out”, Yoda looks a little- oooh C-3PO! With every doubt came another twinge of anticipation as some old childhood memory came flooding back in.
Then opening night came for me at Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood. I got my tickets way in advanced, tricked all my friends into going, got there hours early, waited in line, remained sober, and finally got into the most epic theater ever to see the most epic sequel ever…
George Lucas’s ID attacked me and he used a cardboard laser to turn all his classically trained and talented actors into walking paper weights. His need to pander to his children, his underlings inability to contradict him in any way, and his blinding love for merchandising over structure, story or character development punched me in the groin, then while I was down kicked me in the kidneys a few times for good measure before removing $20 in ticket and concessions. It then spat on my face, put on a minstrel outfit and said, “Meesa Taka Your Money!” Then Jake Lloyd made a fart noise and ran off giggling, while George stuffed an outline of a new movie titled “Indiana Jones and the monkeys alien autopsy refrigerator” down my throat and made me eat it.
For a real education on how awful it truly was see Star Wars: What is Queen Amidala’s primary personality trait? where I link to the man who has made a true art form out of movie criticism, making video reviews as long as the movies and 20 times more entertaining. http://redlettermedia.com reviews should be required viewing in all film classes.
I can’t hold Attack of the Droning Whiners and Revenge of the Sad Clown to the same high level of disappointment, as Phantom Menace had set the bar so low that whatever they did, the drop wasn’t nearly as epic as that first horrifying abysmal nightmare of a toy commercial.
Hopefully he’ll make another three and aim them at the 4 and under crowd. Sigh.
What are the most disappointing films of all time?
We made it out alive. #hybridscangooverATVroadsandcomeoutalivewhenabridgeiswashedout. http://instagr.am/p/HYLCX/